Welcome to my Beautifully Crazy World

Moving to a New Location

2011-12-01T18:13:00.000-08:00

Hello all, just in case that ANYONE at ALL reads this old thing, I am moving to a new blogger.

Why you ask?

Because this stupid thing wont let me change my email to my gmail.

Originally I had made this with my old yahoo account. But in recent years that email has been getting full of spam with no end in sight.... So I made myself a gmail.

Remembering that I had a blogger from years ago I though "Oh! I will just change my email and start using it again"

Nope.

Google sucks sometimes.

To anyone that cares or wishes to see my new blog:

And if the link doesn't work, copy and paste this url:
http://beautifullyxcrazy.blogspot.com/

Only Eight More Mondays

2010-04-06T17:30:00.000-07:00

School

We go to it for 12 years, some 13 because of preschool. Others more because they can't keep up and have to repeat themselves several times over before they get it.

I am on the eve of graduation. It is a weird feeling. And I'm not sure how to handle it. Of course I am filled with joy though I am also filled with trepidation to rival that joy.

I only have eight more Mondays as a Senior in High School.

I hope that when I look back on this I can say: "Overall, I had a good time."

Don't you all think so?

<33Taki

.:Words of a Sick Person:. Subtitle: {Fever Words}

2010-03-31T21:11:00.000-07:00

To say I was lonely today would be an understatement.

There was a darkness in my heart that I could not escape, even when I talked to my most beloved person. I tried to distract myself by reading, but that did not help. I thought I might sleep, though I was not tired.

Everything I tried was futile, so now I shall write about it. Maybe then, at least, I can project some of it out of my heart to make it more bearable.

Last night I had images of slitting my writs appear in my mind again. They were so vivid and clear, I almost felt the warm, bright red blood rushing down my hands… It made me sick.

I haven’t felt the warmth of another person for the last 24 hours. It might be strange to think that a loner like me, who prefers solitude, would crave heat from another living human. But really, it’s not all that strange. I know I’ve said “I’m not a touchy person” or “I don’t do hugs” but that’s only because I’m stubborn and I don’t want to admit that despite how strong I appear, I still need that thing called “affection.”

I really don’t know if any of my friends will read this, and there is a part of me that hopes none of you will, but there is another part of me that hopes you do. The little silently pleading one that hopes someone notices that I’m actually really depressed, even though I smile and say “I’m happy.”

I know I have lots of reasons to be happy, and a large part of me is genuinely happy. I have amazing friends that care so much about me, I have a loving family that even if they drive me nuts wouldn’t work if I wasn’t here, and above all that I have a person who wouldn’t exist if I didn’t. And I love him very much.

But… I think it is that very love that is so deep, so vast, that I drown in it when I am unable to give it to him properly every day. Those days that we don’t talk, make me suffocate within my own vast love. And would you believe that just a few years ago I would have said “I don’t want to love.”

Actually, even now I think that sometimes; on those days when it hurts so bad that have to grab at my chest to vainly still the pain that comes with each throb of my beating organ.

Despite that, though, I will continue to love him, the person that has made me realize happiness. He shattered the dark world I was stuck in, blinding me enough that I looked away for awhile but only to look at him and realize he saved me from myself. And forever grateful will I stay to him.

I gave him this fragile heart, stitched together by my own hands because he is the one who gave me the string I needed to put it back together. He is the keeper of my heart and the only one that ever will be.

Forever more am I his.

Though I digress from my original topic, or did I really? I think somehow all these thoughts I have run together.

But then,

Maybe it’s the fever talking?

<33Taki

I feel the creativity flowing in my veins, Where is my muse to cut the flesh and let my art flow all over the floor?

2010-03-26T20:52:00.000-07:00

Hallo there~

It seems that I have posted a lot today. But to me it doesn't feel like much because most of those posts were just "copy" and "paste" wit a little bit of editing the format.

BORING!

I will admit, today I am incredibly bored. -.-;

1) Virtually no one is online (if they are they aren't talking to me or appearing offline)
2) I have nothing to do... and its Friday night.

I have come to the realization: I AM A LOOSER!

But the worst part of this day is: I'm feeling REALLY creative, with awesome ideas ready to flow out at the drop of a hat! But.. alas.. no muse.

Blarg.

I feel like a selfish child that is being ignored for the first time in their life.. Its terrible.

Oh well.. Life goes on, with or without me.

So... how's the weather?

<33Taki

Journal #9: Have you ever felt seriously depressed or out of sorts, not just a bad day but as if the entire world was weighing down on you? Why was that?

2010-03-26T19:39:00.000-07:00

Having clinical depression I get this feeling more than most people. I am usually depressed, though through counseling and the help of my beloved friends and family I am able to cope with it much better than I used to. I feel the reason for my depression is not singular, it is probably partly genetic and partly my hard childhood. Although my mother has been clean for 4+ years now, she used to be a severe alcoholic. It was an everyday thing, she would come home and just drink and drink and then whoever-it-was-at-the-time-boyfriend and her would fight, verbally and physically sometimes. I’ve blocked most of it from my memory subconsciously and now I try not to think about it too much, since it’s now in the past and it still hurts too much for me to deal with properly. Although I know eventually I will be able to look at it and not hurt…

((And thats all their is for the Psychology Journal folks~ Hope you like<3))

<33Taki

Journal #8: What am I afraid of?

2010-03-26T19:36:00.001-07:00

Actually, there are several things I am afraid of (though I don’t like to admit it). Since I have grown to love and have gotten close to my step-father (who I just call “dad” now since he has been there for me for 11 years, which is over half of my 17 years of living), I fear him and my mother splitting up while us kids are still in the house, depending on them. It has almost happened before, several times, and I completely broke down not knowing what to do each time it happened. But I find this fear not for myself as much anymore, since I am almost adult and will be moving out it a couple of years anyway. My fear is for those much younger than me that would suffer much more (aka. my three brothers who are 14, 14 and 13 and my cousin who is also 14).

I am afraid of my mother become an alcoholic again, I think if she did I would fall apart. (That was the worst part of my childhood, I even feel sick at just the smell of alcohol.)

I fear my siblings becoming addicted to any kind of drug, though I know it may happen regardless of what I think. (I cannot control others.) And it has already happened to one of them.

I fear most being alone in silence. If I let my mind wander too much I fear where it would go because of my depression and anxiety; I might drive myself insane.

I also have a completely irrational fear of getting a terminal illness, mainly tuberculosis. I honestly have no idea why I have this fear, but it developed over the last 5 years of my life for no apparent reason, I wonder if it is because I have a fear of not being able to breathe properly? Or because I experienced something with my lungs as a child…? I really don’t know.

Journal #7: How would I have been raised differently if I had been born the opposite physical sex? And what would my future look like?

2010-03-26T19:34:00.001-07:00

(This one was particularly hard for me two write because it hurt to think about.)

If I would have been born a male I would have been treated about the same since my parents really for gender equality. I have three brothers so I was already kind of raised as boy. But of course they were a little easier on me, because I am a girl. But I also get a lot of the pressure because I am the oldest child. But instead of the arts I have always been into, I think I would have been pushed into sports more than I was as a kid.

Assuming that my experiences stay the same, and I end up with the same process if thinking, I would have been a tone more rebellious because I would have been pushed so hard into something I’m not interested in (including the increased testosterone level).

Emotions wise, I have already been treated the way boys are: stay tuff, don’t let people see you cry, suck it up. Those kinds of things, but despite that I am still sensitive to the way I feel as well as others. Empathy is a natural skill I have always had, and I think that even if I was told as a boy to not show caring or I’d be viewed as a wuss, I’d still try to be compassionate, as I always have been.
My passive nature would be seriously reprimanded, since all three of my brothers are assertive (and even a little aggressive). I’m not sure how they would treat this. Probably by addressing it much more than my parents did before. I am not as passive as I used to be and I know when to assert myself nowadays, but when I was having it worked on, it probably would have started earlier and lasted longer till I was more aggressive-passive. And quite frankly I’m starting think that I’m really glad that I was born female…

Another thing that would have been way different is, because I have three brothers and I would have myself been a boy, I probably wouldn’t have had the privilege of having my own room. That’s because up until recently we’ve only been living in smaller houses with 3-4 bedrooms (there are 6 people in my family including myself; Mom, dad, 3 brothers and I). This would have changed my opinions and habits as far as privacy and how clean I keep my room. I think that if I had to share a room, I would want to keep my things more organized than I have them now, so as they don’t get lost.

Now this next part upsets me more than I can express with words, but I believe it to be undoubtedly true. If I had been born male, my mother would have loved me differently and probably a little less. This is due to her past experiences and I see it in the way she treats my brothers, these things being subtle, like she gets on their case more than she does mine. And these things greatly displease me. I’m not saying that she would love me less, just differently than she does now because I am a girl. She sees things a little black and white this way; boys are much different than girls. But also because of this I am filled with a set confusion. How would she have really treated me if I was a boy? I asked her once before if she knew what she would have named me if I was. Her answer: Devin. I sighed with the moment of anticlimactic nature because my female name is much more original and creative. To be named “Devin” would have more than likely been a disappointment for me then too, just because it feels generic. It’s not a bad name, and I never mind it when I have to address others by it, I just never wish for it to be mine. But my point being, see how much time she put into coming up with a girl’s name not a boy’s?

And so I will conclude with a personal statement. Writing this has not been the most pleasurable thing, not in part because it had to be so long (I enjoy writing), but mostly in part to how much more depressed I may have been as a boy. Noting all these things, I realize that only spoke the negative, but for me these are major developmental things within me. I’m not sure of the positives; maybe I would have been raised with more vigor? But that’s beside the point I was to say. Because of writing this, even if my life is hard as a girl, I would much rather call myself woman with pride that I am strong, than a boy. Because, I am very happy with the consciousness that I have now and I have always told myself that I don’t ever want it to change in any drastic way.

Journal #6: Two Topics

2010-03-26T19:33:00.000-07:00

Topic One) How close have I been to death?

Personally I have not almost died and if I have ever been close to dying I have no recollection of it. I have known people that are now not in the realm of the living, some of whom I still will cry for as I missed the opportunity of more time with them. One in particular is more fresh in my mind than any other and that is the death of my great grandfather. I remember the last time I saw him, it was when he was in a hospital bed after suffering from a heart attack, and I remember being in the room with him and something in my mind told me that he wasn’t going to be with us long. At the time I wasn’t aware the feeling I had in that room was that, but they say “hind sight is 20/20” and I now see how close I truly was to the realm of the dead. Oddly it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be, it was more calm and melancholy. Even so, I still cried when my grandfather smiled at the sound of my voice. That is an image that will be with me forever…

Topic Two) Describe you most vivid dream.

The most vivid dreams I have are nightmares. I can’t say that its pleasant, and I would find it strange if I did. The most vivid nightmare I had still scares me sometimes, even though it’s been over a year since I’ve had it:

““It was night and I had just gotten through with a pleasant dinner with my family. I was able the dream from both 3rd and 1st person points of view making the nightmare all the more strange. My view was also slightly fuzzed from a grey colored mist that seemed to film over everything. My family and I were walking through a town park with many trees, there was only one working lamp post on the path we were walking, but in the company of one another we all felt comforted until we could get to that light. The park was surrounded by old stone buildings, giving the town a rustic look, though homey. As we walked we were talking happily and a policeman came out of one of the buildings. He asked us what we were doing out so late in a town like this and told us of it being dangerous. He was about to say something else but suddenly we heard him let out a muffled cry and something wet hit the ground. For some reason I knew what was going on and rushed everyone into the street lamp light as it would be our only protection. After we were all in the light, crowded together, I stood on the edge of the light to see what exactly was happening. Outside of the light I could see the police officer laying on the ground and a puddle of something dark growing around him. I knew it was blood. But before I could be terrified of that there was a shadow, even darker than the black night around us circling around the small spot of light where my family stood, huddled. That scared me more than anything.

I cried out as it got to me, its amorphous body still coiled around my family. I was terrified but I wasn’t going to let it touch my family.
“Get away from my family you freak!” I yelled at it, my legs shaking, arms spread out as if to shield the people behind me.

(This is the part that still scares the living daylights out of me) It then retracted a little but I saw its eyes glow hate filled red and it spoke in a voice that I could never describe with words that would do it justice, it was something like a chorus of a thousand sore throats male and female but demonic in a way that sends chills up your spine.

“You call ME a FREAK?”

I felt bad as soon as I heard it speak, it sounded hurt, and I remembered how much it hurt to be called “freak.” I was going to apologize but before I could open my mouth again it spoke in a different language; it sounded like a curse. ””

That’s when I woke up in a cold sweat and wasn’t able to go back to sleep. Even now I still shudder thinking about it.

Journal #5: Have you ever said something you wish you could take back? What was it and why do you want to take it back?

2010-03-26T19:29:00.001-07:00

As far as I can remember, I’m sure there have been lots of things I should have never said or that I wanted to take back immediately after I said it, but it’s because of that feeling of regret that I don’t say things unless I’m okay with them being out there in the open and never able to take back. I don’t see any point in saying something I know I won’t mean the next day and if I do say something like that, I will go talk to the person I said that too and make things better if I am able. I have learned to live my life in a way that I won’t have to shoulder regret. The way I see it, if I really, truly didn’t want to do or say something, I wouldn’t have done it in the first place.

Journal #4: When I walk into a room people assume this ___ about me, but they are wrong because inside I am…?

2010-03-26T19:24:00.000-07:00

To be completely honest I’m not sure what people think of me at first, since it really depends on the person. I have been told by my friends what their first impressions of me were and all of them were different, like I thought they would be. Although I have been told by some of them that they thought I would be really mean and cold. I think that, that was mostly because when I’m concentrating on things my eyes become intense, as well as the fact that I am really, really shy. Shyness I find is often mistaken as being cold or anti-social, neither of which I am (at least I hope not). Although I can and will be mean if someone hurts a person close to me, since I am protective of my friends and loved ones. But 99% of the time I try to be considerate of those around me, since I don’t like conflict.
Another common misconception people have about me is that I’m a “dark” person. Yes, I do have a morbid sense of humor and I like to watch horror films and things scary things are cool, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go home and drink blood out of a wine glass, thank you. This is the one that irritates me the most. I know I’m weird and all because I’m atypical and don’t follow society (mainstream things makes me shudder), but the least people could do is get to know me before they make prejudice judgments on me based on my clothes, right?

Journal #3: What is my earliest memory, fondest memory and a memory I would like to forget?

2010-03-26T18:53:00.001-07:00

My earliest memory isn’t really a complete memory. It’s more like broken fragments of light, pictures, sensations, feelings and words. It’s like some of my memories are behind a door, that are behind a door, that are behind another door, that are in a hole in the wall, in a box, inside another box wrapped in old paper where the dates so faded you can’t read it, covered in dust with the spiders chewing on it, that can only be revived if something reminds me. And besides that most of my memories have blurred together into this big blob of experiences that I can never fully remember. I can remember some specific details, like how many spots were on this lady bug I was looking at when I was 5-years-old (which is rather strange to me). I can also remember how something felt (which is said to not happen) but I normally can’t tell when or what it was exactly. In all basics it’s hard for me to remember anything without the proper stimulant so I have no specific “earliest memory.”
As for my fondest memory, it’s hard for me to pick just one but the ones I do find to be the most pleasing are when I was doing something simple. Like one time I watched a movie with the whole family in my house present with no arguing or someone getting up to leave (this sort of thing never happens anymore). Or a time when I was able to lay in soft grass on a breezy sunny day, watching the clouds drift by in the sky that was such a bright blue it was hard to believe. Those gentle moments are always my fondest.
And there are no memories I want to forget. All of the ones I still have are precious to me, be them happy or painful. Memories are a part of me so losing or forgetting them is like forgetting or losing a part of myself, neither of which I would like to do.

Journal #2: A) Three traits I would like to pass on to my kids are…? B) Three traits I would NOT like to pass on are…?

2010-03-26T18:46:00.000-07:00

If there are any traits of mine that I would like to pass onto my children (if I ever have any, as I have not decided this yet) would be these:

• My empathy: As much as this is sometimes a curse, I would like my children to be able to understand another’s feelings. I find that it has made me a better friend, person and human.
• My love for reading: I don’t think I can stress enough how important it is to be literate. I know that my love for learning has helped me a tremendous amount and has defiantly helped me to be who I am today. (I enjoy being a little nerdy.)
• My ability to be myself and not worry about what others think: I have noticed that others my age and otherwise focus too much in what others see than what they see in themselves. I defiantly don’t want my kids to be too worried about what others think (even though you certainly have to be wary about that kind of thing to not anger the wrong people). I find it enjoyable, and much less stressful, to be myself, for myself.

If there are any traits of mine that I would NOT like to pass onto my children it would have to be these:

• My depression and anxiety: I don’t think I have to go into much detail to express this has been the biggest pain in my hind end since the beginning of my life and why I wouldn’t want my children to suffer this either…
• My tendency to be a bit inconsistent: This is one of those traits of mine I find to be really annoying as I’m sure it is for others. I feel I change my mind WAY too much and it makes things difficult for me as well as others. I hope I will have gotten this problem out of my system before I have children…
• My short temper: While I myself have good self control, I do get angry very easy which makes some situations more difficult than they need to be.

((Sorry, looks as though I forgot I was doing these. Well as it is, I'm just going to post all of them at once instead of one each day.))

<33Taki

Journal #1: A time when I had experienced rejection and my response.

2010-01-30T23:56:00.000-08:00

There have been several times when I have been rejected, as I’m sure is true for most people (Unless you have been abnormally sheltered, which in itself is a kind of rejection, I think). Although I cannot remember a very specific time, I have had people refuse to be my friend, ignore me, and pretend that I’m not even there. (Actually there was a time I was sat on because they “didn’t see” me.) All of these instances have hurt but I moved on. After all these are normal life experiences and I have learned that I cannot please everyone.

But there is one case where rejection has really struck home in my heart, a scar that still sometimes bleeds, rejection from my biological father. I cannot accurately with words express this kind of hurt as it is one of those things you have to experience yourself to truly know what it is like, sort of similar to trying to explain a color. It’s just something that can’t really be done (and if there is a way to explain a color, I’d love to hear it). And it hurts more knowing that he knows where I live, has my number AND my e-mail. Neither of which he uses. I understand that it is part of my job as his child to make arrangements and many times I have tried but they never seem to go through. Most of the time it’s because he’s gone in the mountains dirt-biking or off doing something else with his party buddies. Either way it, quite frankly, pisses me off a little because despite my efforts nothing comes out of them. I’ve thought of giving up on him but that little hope in my heart that we might finally be able to know each other keeps me from giving up completely. Sometimes that causes me to cry a little because I’m frustrated, thinking, “It would be easier to just hate him,” but I can’t hate the person who brought me into this world, even if it was by mistake. I love him because he is my father. A simple, pure and naive love I cannot give up.

To conclude this rather melancholy entry I wish to say simply that, to me, rejection from a parent is the worst kind and I wish it could happen less in this world than I know it does. And so I finish this with hope in my heart that my wish, to be close with my father, comes true, even if it is at the end…

"Diary Entrys" are for Losers, So lets Call them: "Journal Entrys!"

2010-01-30T23:54:00.000-08:00

Alright! So I had an assignment for my Psychology class to write a journal almost every class day and the final was to take 10 of those entries, type them and polish them up and turn them in.

As it turns out, I really liked the way I rewrote them. Because of this I decided that I was going to post one of these every day for the next ten days. I will post them in no particular order, just like I did in the final version I turned in (they really are in just a random order) and I will title them like this: "Journal #: Prompt of journal"

Okay so that's it for the explanation. I'm off to post the first one! Look for the next post tomorrow!

<3Taki

Beautifullly Unaware

2010-01-30T23:41:00.000-08:00

You are probably wondering why I titled this blog "Beautifully Unaware." I'll be blatantly honest when I say this: If I don't keep myself distanced from what my family does, I will go insane.

This might not make a whole lot of sense so I will shed a bit of light onto the inner workings of my mind. I am a sort of empath, that, in a nutshell means whenever I am in a room with someone I feel what they feel and that affects my mood. So if a person is greatly depressed, I will be prone to fall into that state as well and on the other hand if a person is really happy, I will also be really happy. Its a rather annoying state of being but I find that I can't really help it...

I've come to realize that this is why I like to be alone or with few people rather than a large number.

Back to the title of this, now that you are able to understand more what I'm talking about, I will explain my family. They are all going though a hard time. I have three teenage brothers two are 14 and one is 13 so they are coming into their own. And that "own" isn't exactly good to my parents. As such there have been several arguments between both of my parents and my siblings, which without directly involving me, still hurts me because there is so much negative energy...

My mom came in awhile ago saying "Why have you been keeping yourself shut up in your room?" And at the time I didn;t really have an answer because I wasn't entirely sure myself. But now, if she came and asked me that again, I would tell her "Because I can't handle all the negative energy everyone is putting out."

I realize that this sounds odd to some people because they don't necessarily understand what I mean when I say "positive" and "negative energy." Which is okay because I do not seek the understanding of others, simply I just wish to vent out those feelings I cannot say aloud.

And so I will conclude this, saying beautifully unaware of what is going on outside my room...

<3Taki

Untitled

2009-12-31T21:48:00.000-08:00

On a night I shouldn't be alone,

I am alone...

Melancholic Daydreams

2009-12-30T21:18:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone, I don't really have any angry rants today, or anything smart and witty, simply I am being my normal self. I don't have anyone to talk to, and just writing down words on a page that only I will read gives me no peace of mind. Maybe its because I haven't had much sleep this last week and I've been drinking a lot of herbal teas to relax me, either way I'm not really sure. These last few days my mind has been drifting more and more into daydreams (*laughs* Its probably from the lack of sleep) that aren't like my normal daydreams. And I wish I could have written them down but by the time I think of doing that, all of the details are gone and I don't really remember what I was thinking about. All I know is that after I come back from these daydreams I find myself feeling sad and reflective. I feel like I'm looking into water and seeing myself, the image all distorted and I'm not entirely sure if its really me that I'm looking at. Its odd, but I like it to some degree. I guess I just wish that I could stay in those daydreams more than waking life, where the sun is never too hot and there is always shade to relax in, the breeze is gently kissing your bare skin and the flowers fragrant but not overpowering... Ah, how I wish I could stay longer basking in the gentle glow of dreams sun and bathing in the cool crystal clear waters in my mind. Though isn't that something all of us wish for? To stay in the world of our most pleasant dreams? <3Taki

Such a long time... Subtitled: {A Hot Butler with a little Gackt}

2009-11-27T16:31:00.000-08:00

My my.. It has been a really long time since I have logged onto this site. I haven't forgotten it though but it is often in my life that I will be far to busy to visit old sites that I hardly went to to begin with. I apologize to any readers that I do have for not saying anything in a long time. Though quite frankly I'm not sure if it really is necessary for saying so having so few readers to begin with... Oh well, we digress. Anyways, I guess I just haven't really had much to say. Since I have been writing most of my thoughts down on paper, this last year being very personal for me. I remember I mentioned my boyfriend here before.... Dan. We're still together and it'll be two years Feb. 23. I can barely believe its been that long. But I'm still so very happy. I have had an almost goodbye with a friend of several years. And that was hard to pull though. I cried a lot and cursed myself for being so cruel, though things often work themselves out though time and we are still friends, not as close or quite as talkative but still friend non-the-less and I am grateful for that. I have grown closer to others and father away from some, but that happens throughout life. And it seems that the situation I am in is for the best. Because too much stress from others family dramas would surly kill me in the end. I am still depressed though it is not nearly as bad as it used to be. The suicidal thoughts don't come as often and the urge to hurt myself all but vanished. Although the thoughts will still come to my head and when they do it is sometimes hard to rid myself of them, though I thank those close to me for allowing me their shoulders to weep onto for without them I would not have survived this long. Today I am sick, and have been for about a week now. Currently I am not able to talk very well due to the pain and something blocking up my voice box; I am barely audible when I speak so I'm not really bothering saying anything at all today. Though I should be getting better soon since I am able to rest for the next few days. (Thank the gods) On another note. Has anyone read "Kuroshitsuji?" (Also known as "Black Butler" in English though I much prefer the Japanese title myself.) I am in LOVE with this series (don't remember if I mentioned it before or not). Sebastian is by far my favorite character though I do quite love Joker as well. I have been reading it on onemanga.com so I am having the hardest time waiting a whole month for a new chapter. But I do believe in the saying "Good things come to those who wait" so I will just have to wait to see what else the beloved butler will do. And for the sake of my love of music I will post the Lyrics to my favorite song now. In both Romaji and the English translation. Gackt - Sayonara sayonara ... aishita taisetsu na hito koboreta namidaga yuki ni kawaru sayonara ... naiteta kinou madeno boku shizukani me o tojite sarigenaku kata o yosete madobe ni motareta sukoshi tereta shigusa de boku wa waratte ita karuku hoho ni kisu(kiss) o shite aruite yuku kimi o zutto miteta sayonara ... aishita taisetsu na hito koboreta namidaga yuki ni kawaru sayonara ... naiteta kinou madeno boku shizukani mewo tozite ... chi-same no te-buru(table) de hutari dake no yume o... mienai mirai saemo kowaku wa nakatta hazimete no (album) arubamu ni ureshisou na kimi o sotto miteta sayonara ... aishita taisetsu na hito kimi e no omoi dake wa kitto nokoru sayonara ... naiteta kinou madeno boku shizukana yoru dane ~English Translation~ Sayonara…my beloved, precious person. Tears spill and turn to snow. Sayonara…to the “me” who cried until yesterday. Quietly now, close your eyes. Brushing past my shoulder without ado, You went to lean against the windowsill. You were acting brave, yet shy… I laughed a little, And compelled, lightly kissed your cheek. My gaze was riveted to you only As you walked out of view. Sayonara…my beloved, precious person. Tears spill and turn to snow. Sayonara…to the “me” who cried until yesterday. Quietly now, close your eyes. Sitting at a small table together, There were only our dreams… Even our uncertain future Was nothing to fear. You watched quietly while I looked at you in the new album. The “you” within it seemed delighted. Sayonara…my beloved, precious person. I will always remain thinking of you only. Sayonara…to the “me” who cried until yesterday. It’s a quiet night, wouldn’t you say? Farewell to you, my dear loved one. Teardrops turn into snowflakes. Farewell to me, crying 'til yesterday. Now just close my eyes... I hugged your shoulder unobtrusively and leaned against the window. With a little bit of bashful behavior, you smiled at me shyly. Slightly you kissed on my cheek, I was staring at you, as you walked away to the door. So long to you, my precious loved one. Teardrops turn into snowflakes. So long to me, grieved 'til yesterday. Now just close my eyes... At the smallish table, we shared our dream together. Even our future was unable to see for sure, I was not scared at all. It was because, delighted with our first album together, you seemed so happy looking at it. And I was just staring at you. Farewell to you, my dear loved one. Only my love to you will remain forever. Farewell to me, crying 'til yesterday. 'Tis one silent night... Oh and I did not do the translation (I do not know Japanese that well yet), just an fyi so don't get mad at me if it is wrong. But I do quite love this song and have been listening to it a lot lately. It makes me so sad I want to cry but I smile every time I hear it. Gackt is an amazing person. I know I sound kinda fan-girlish but I promise its not like that (though I will admit that I am a fan, I mean have you heard his voice??). I would like to meet him someday (not that their aren't a million other people that wish the same). But for once I will speak selfishly because I truly do wish to meet him for I admire his spirit and strength to do what he does. Not to mention I think he has a beautiful soul and should be recognized for that more than his attractive face... But before I embarrass myself anymore I will cut this short. Sayonara,(for now), Taki

Finals with a hint of Cold and a dash of New

2009-01-28T15:45:00.000-08:00

Hello again. It seems that its been a bit since I've last posted. And I wish that this particular post could be more happy than bitchy... But alas this is gonna be a rant. First off though I will start with some lighthearted news. I see that this blog has another follower to it. ^^ I welcome you to my madness, Nuthriz. Though I will mention that I don't know Russian(at least I think that's what language your blog was written in). ^^;; So I apologize for that. Also, I have no idea if you are able to read English but, I will welcome you anyways. And secondly, I am going to rant now... *crouds of people scream in fear* Yes! Phear my Rants of DOOM!! MUWAHAHAHAHA! *coughs*Ahem..... my my rants aren't really all that scary... but whatever. Anyways! So this week I have Finals. For the most part it has been pretty easy but there are those ones that are friggen hard! >.< So to just put it in short: I HATE FINALS WEEK And then I am sick AGAIN! On the week of finals! WTF?!?! >~< Its so lame. But at least its just that I'm congested and its hard to breath instead of being majorly sick.... But it still sucks even then. Oh well. The week is almost over. One more day. That's all. Lets just hope that I can pass my Algebra 2 test.... *sighs* Well that's all I have time for, Jya Ne -Taki

I Love the Snow, But I Hate this Friggen Cold

2008-12-20T21:50:00.000-08:00

So here I am again publishing more random nonsense. ^^ I'm sick. I've lost my voice (hopefully that won't last much longer...). My siblings are teasing me and giving me a splitting headache AND my computer access has been limited to something like an hour a week.. if that.. On the plus side though I got an extra week of school off because of the weather that were having here. Ice and snow! I love it! Its so beautiful. Anyways thats all I have time for. Jya Ne~! --Taki

Love is Heaven, School is Hell {wait.. hasn't that been said before somewhere??}

2008-10-16T23:27:00.001-07:00

Well you know it probably would have helped to add the quiz titles to the results I put in my last post huh? Maybe I should go back and fix that.... Well we'll see. I may or may not fix it. Any whose I didn't really have anything specific in mind to talk about for this rant. Though I'll probably talk about how much I love Dan <33 (yeah I know I'm a hopeless romantic. deal with it.) And how school is a royal pain in my ass.... So first I'll talk about the least pleasant thing: High School I'm seriously starting to realize that its not as easy as I thought and if I want to pass my exams and classes at the end of my Junior year then I need to step it up a notch. Only problem is.. I really don't like doing the work. I just don't feel stimulated mentally. I just get so bored. Anything were doing just seems boring to me. I'd much rather get up and do something than write basically the same thing over and over. Ya know? I mean repetition is good for memorization but come on. Do we need to do things that many times? Also if your doing it wrong you don't find out until the tests and quizzes come. And then, your grade drops. It would help so much if the teacher could show you what you were doing wrong BEFORE the tests. Not after. But whatever. No ones gonna listen to a 16-year-old. 'I don't know what I'm talking about.' *rolls eyes* Anyways... I shall now talk about my love~! ^^ {{I feel weird writing about this in a place where other people can read it... but.. I am.}} Dan is so amazing. Every time I talk to him I'm reminded of why I love him so much. I really want this to last 'always and forever.' I know that sounds fairytale-ish but I can't help wanting that ending. I love him so much words are useless in even attempting to describe this feeling. And if everything he says is true then he feels the same way I do. He's planning on coming to see me in the summer. I can't wait! ^w^ {{I live in Oregon...He live in New Hampshire}}{{yes I met him online. so what?}} I'll finally be able to actually hug and kiss him. ^///^ ((and I know he's looking forward to that too >w>)) So yeah I'm basically hoping for time to move forward faster because I want to see him SO bad. But I suppose I have to wait, don't I? <33Taki ^Edward (from FullMetal Alchemist)^ P.S. HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL~! {{I know its not Halloween yet but I still wanted to say it anyways}}

Quizzes!

2008-10-04T22:40:00.000-07:00

So I like taking random quizzes with no real meaning. I just think that they are fun ^w^ So today I decided to take a bunch of random quizzes and post the results. Here you go!:

You Scored as Heart, the Flame

Heart: She is a goddess of chaos and passion, doing what she wants when she wants it, lighting the very skies with her flame. She is a goddess of lust and life who inspires through actions, disdaining words. She is easy to anger and just as easy to please. Her weakness is both her love for her faithful and her absolute, uncompromising hatred of her enemies.

The Lady Mercy

92%

Heart, the Flame

92%

Entrope

83%

Eternity, the Everlady

83%

The Void

83%

The Maiden Dawn

83%

Weave

75%

Lady Discord, Stealer of Souls

67%

Mistress Death

58%

Avarice, Mistress of Coin

33%

You Scored as Romantic Kisser

Good for you! You know how to kiss and hopefully you have a certain someone to experience a serge of happiness with. If not, it doesnt hurt to flirt kiss a little hehe. Just dont get carried away. Romantic kissing is always a plus! Kissing is an art keep it up and youll be really good! Here some tips: 1. Be ready 2. no smoking 3. start slow 4. up the intensity 5. develop rhythm 6. change it up 7. pay attention to hands 8. experiment 9. respond 10. repeat

Romantic Kisser

94%

Your more of a class act than youre giving yourself credit for

69%

Yippy Ki Yay!

63%

You Scored as Ichigo Kurosaki

Ichigo :] He'll keep a promise, fight for you and die for you, hes a keeper for sure. Also Hes a cute little carrot top!

Grimmjow Jeagerjaques

88%

Ichigo Kurosaki

88%

Shuhei Hisagi

75%

Yumichika Ayasegawa

75%

Kisuke Urahara

63%

Ikkaku Madarame

50%

Jushiro Ukitake

13%

You Scored as You are... Hang Em High

You are Hang Em High.

You are... Hang Em High

100%

You are... Helena

83%

You are... The End

83%

You are... Sleep

83%

You are... Cancer

83%

You are... I Don't Love You

83%

You are... The Ghost of You

67%

You are... I'm Not Okay

50%

You Scored as Biting

Your the kind of girl/guy that likes to bite or be bitten

Biting

90%

Chains/Handcuffs

70%

Whipping

50%

Bondage

50%

You Scored as SexyGoth

SexyGoth

81%

Pretty Prep

31%

You Scored as Akatsuki Leader

You lead the akatsuki.

Sasori

75%

Itachi

75%

Akatsuki Leader

75%

Hidan

50%

Deidara

50%

Kakuzu

25%

Zetsu

25%

Orochimaru

25%

Kisame

You Scored as Blue Wolf

You are a water-loving wolf. Water water water tends to be mostly what you think about.

Blue Wolf

100%

Fox

90%

Gray Wolf

90%

Green Wolf

80%

Black Wolf

70%

Pink wolf

50%

Yellow Wolf

40%

So thats all for now ^^ Bye-Bye --Taki

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2008-09-10T18:51:00.000-07:00

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2008-07-30T20:48:00.000-07:00

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A Brief Happiness, Forever Sorrow

2008-07-28T03:12:00.000-07:00

I feel horrible... All alone. Empty. I was really happy a few hours ago... but I guess what goes up must come down. I can't find anything thats mentally stimulating... Everyone I talk too is way to easy. I figure them out all to quickly... I hate it. I want to find someone that I can't understand that I can trust. But I feel that these words that I cry out will go unheard no matter how much my heart weeps in lonliness. No matter how much I cry.

I feel these feelings are for not and that they will never be understood or quelled.

Calling Out to the One that May Save Me

My heart, raging and unsteady as the ocean

Calls out to you, the one I will never find

The tears that have once fallen out of the eyes

Now sting with intense pain

I can't see

Blinded in the darkness I have created around myself

I can't find my way out

This love that I have once felt

Now an empty part in my soul

I can't seem to fill it

I know I need to save myself

Its my own fault that I'm here in this dark place

But I can't seem to find it in myself to want to be out of the place I'm used to

This circle of sorrow

This sphere of pain

It never ends

Untill I find my reason for existing

<3>

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2008-07-16T18:05:00.000-07:00

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Decisions, Decisions... and so many Friggen Choices!

2008-06-22T19:46:00.000-07:00

Ok so yeah I'm bored outta my friken mind with practically nothing to do. Well.... Not really, I should clean my room... (looks like a bloody tornado went through it)... And I should probably look for a job... Not a permanent one just one for the summer to get some experience in that realm. I kinda need volunteer time for school anyways I'm just having trouble figuring out what I want to do... Meh I guess it just all depends when I get sick of staying home (even though I should already be). Aside from those problems in my already boring ass life... I'm in the midst of writing a few books... well trying to write them at least. Every time I go to re-read them I find something wrong with it and spend the next few hours fixing the mistakes on the already written test... I've been in the process of trying to write this one book for a few years now... But I keep changing the plot line... Meanwhile on my other books, I can't think of anything else to put in them or I can't figure how to write up to the points I want to get to. It’s rather annoying not being able to write the stories that I am passionate for.... yes I am passionate about my own writing... I put my whole heart and soul into it that’s why. I think in the future I might put a part of one of my stories on here but if no one reads these I don’t really see the point of doing so. So, on that note, comment if you want to read a part of my stories and tell me which one you want to read: ~{All of the titles with a '<3' next to it are romance or have it in them}~ Sleepless – main character: Phyrrus ~ male (note:: Currently under production) Chrono Crossing – main character: Joey ~ male Descendants of the Night and Moon <3 – main character: Kiran ~ male A Vampire’s Love <3 – main character: Yurei ~ female (note:: This story is not completely through the point of introduction but I have many ideas) The Rose and Fate <3 – main character: Amaya ~ female (note:: this is the story that I keep chaning the plot on) Ok so that’s about all the writing that I have really completed something of... All of the stories without a note have at least part of a whole chapter if not more. So post a comment~! Please?

More Randomness and Fun with Pictures

2008-06-18T20:32:00.000-07:00

Ok so yes another random post with no real meaning to it. Other than to mention the existance of Pics on my blog. If you scroll down some you'll see them. I mostly just want Setsuna at the bottom of my page to get noticed. (I love him lots~! <3) He's one of the few anime characters that has changed something in my life for the better. Yes I know he's not real, but his character was the one who said something that helped me understand something and get out of my deep depression that I was in before. So yes. That was the only real point of this whole thing but I suppose I could rant a little bit... I love pictures~! <33 Anyways.. Yeah ok I really have nothing important to say because nothing special has happened to me in the last few hours it has been since my last post... Ok then ~~JA NE <33

Fun with Lack of Sleep

2008-06-18T01:44:00.000-07:00

Ok yes I know this is a strange title but it is almost 2 in the morning and my brain is starting to shut doen on me.

You are probably wondering "Then why are you writing on this thing?"

Well.. Thats because I feel like it. :P So there.

Anyways. I'm 16 now! w00ts

'Cept that was a few days ago on the 15th.... Oh well.

So yes... I really don't know what to talk about this time.

I'm really tired and I probably should go to bed... But I don't feel like it.

Well I did have fun on my special B-day. I got to go to the beach {my favorite place} with my cousin and a friend. We all had fun. I'm glad too.

The only thing that really sucked was that Aunt Flow(bitch) and her best friend, Miss Cramps(whore), decided to pay me a visit on the 15th too.... >.<

...Ok forget I said that....

*cough* *cough*

ANYWAYS~! So yes.... I really should get some sleep otherwise I might not go to bed at all... But then I think that I'm going to stay up till Dead Hour. Which is 3am. Though I'm sure you already knew that... eh-heh.

So yeah I think I'm going to rand about my lonlyness now....

Goddamn... I really don't think I'm all that ugly... Am I?? Cause I mean for the love of all that is ANYTHING my luck with guys SUCKS ASS. And that is not an understaement....

The last 5 guys I crushed on, even if it was just a little, were gay. (I know I've said this before somewhere but seriously... its really pathetic)

Is one nice, straight, emo (they dont even have to be emo...) guy that likes me for me, so hard to ask for? *sighs* Probably is and thats why I can't find one.

Oh well.... Always want what you can't have.

~~~JA NE <3

{And this be a pic that one of my bestfriends drew for me for my B-day~! <3}

Suprizes & a Panda

2008-06-08T17:00:00.000-07:00

So yeah another day, more long hours spent on homework and doing nothing. Yup today was just another boring day in the boring life of Taki (aka Amaya, aka me). *sighs* But despite the fact that it was boring as hell, it was ok because yesterday was pretty good. I got an early birthday party (because I have so many relatives....), and there was a little surprise with it. ^^ That made me pretty happy. There was a surprise party at a restaurant that I was only suspecting to go to with my grandma and my aunt. But there, there was a part of the family I don't get to see often anymore. I got to see a cousin that I haven't seen in ages. That was great. I miss her. But I'm also jealous of her. She has a lot going for her. *sighs* Oh well back to the positive. I’m not broke anymore, and I hope I get to go get those books I’ve been wanting for awhile now. But well have to see how long it takes for me to get all of the studying I need to do for the finals done... ick. Finals. I’m not really looking forward to those. I hope I pass them all.... That would be really super great. Anyways, I also got to go see Kung Fu Panda yesterday with my biological dad. That was fun. I didn't get home till like almost 11:30 at night. But I’m glad I got to finally spend some time with him considering I never really get to all that much. So yeah in a week from today I’m 16 and I’ll be a Junior. Holly hell. Time sure goes by fast. Let’s hope that I can still enjoy being a teenager for a little while longer...

School Stress & A Hot Monk

2008-06-04T20:14:00.000-07:00

(For future reference, I'm gonna be writing the Titles for these posts like the title of a book chapter, Makes it more interesting! XD) Oh dear god has it been forever since I have posted anything! Not that anyone really reads this or cares about my sad and unexciting life.... Ahem! Anyways!I have come to realize that school is almost out. Finally! >.< But I am also slightly worried about my Finals that are here to come next week... Fuck! *cough* *cough* ahem, Pretend you didn't hear that little jewel, mmkay? So yeah anyways, I am a little afraid that I may be ill prepared(which is going to suck major a$$)... Now on a diffrent subject other than stressful, stupid high school... I am turning 16 in eleven days. I'm excited. And I'm having my part on the 13. Which is a Friday. lol. Now that I have briefly coverd what is to come in my boring ass life, I think I shall rant now. *dramatic music plays and people sceam in terror* YES!! MY HIDIOUSLY SCARY RANTS!!! >w< eh-heh not really all that scary but, meh...? *srugs* ANYWAYS! Today I wish to put my main focus on Sanzo(love him <3), from the series Saiyuki( love it <3 ). He is such a funny monk. Contradicting to his status in every way. He smokes, he drinks, he swears and he has a gun. And he not afraid to use it either. (Why do I like him again??) Oh yeah because he's also pretty sexy too. <3 Yes. I am so damn lonely I have resorted to fawning over an Anime character. It's not really my fault i can't get a date! T~T And I can never understand why guys don't like me... I'm not that ugly am I????? *goes off into emo corner and cries about it* ...Any who... Where was I...? Oh yes the Devilish Monk that I love!~ <3 Eww that was really fangirlish, wasn't it?? *sighs* Eh, well... Ahem. So yes, I love Sanzo-sama and no one can do anything about it. *smiles childishly* ... *smile fades* Well I guess they could... if they really wanted to. But who's gonna read this anyway? Well I just thought I would mention that I joined a fan site for the Monk. ^-^ Here's the URL: http://aikousha.muselicious.com/sanzosama/index.php Click it if you want to join!~ Well now that I'm running out of things to rant about.. I guess I shall sign off with a final Farewell!~ Ja Ne

Nameless, Loveless

2008-04-11T20:01:00.000-07:00

I feel like writing something. I dunno what so I'm just gonna keep going with this so that I can write... So before you read all of whatever is about to come beware of randomness that may or may not make a whole lot of sense to you. So you have been warned.... Life is so confusing sometimes. Don't you think? I mean what is it really all for? I know that question is asked a lot and been made generic, but seriously think about it. We wake up and go to school or work, go home eat dinner, do something that we enjoy and then go to sleep and repeat. What the hell? I mean I know not everyones life is exactly like that but it basically the same thing day in and day out and I'm BORED outta my freaking mind! I want some excitement! You know something to change it up, but no more high school drama, that's just lame and I hate it. Cause its always 'Oh he's dating her now?' 'She broke up with him cause she found someone hotter.' 'He cheated on her and now she's gonna kill herself' 'She's pregnant with his kid' BLAH BLAH BLAH!! I mean come on people! Get something new! OK I'm done ranting about stupid school... I'm just sick of it. Now, I'm single again. And that's both good and bad. On the negative side, I'm lonely and slightly irritable around my friends cause they all have a boyfriend or girlfriend, I hate seeing them all happy together... I know that's bad but ehhh its how I feel. Positive side, I can look at pretty much any guy and flirt harmlessly, I can have multiple crushes and I'm not bound to anyone. Though I kinda do want to want to be bound forever to the one that I love deeply with all my heart. (gah that was deep.... anyways) I know that it is strange for me to feel that way being so young but I really do need someone that I can give my heart to... It's just something that I have always wanted to give to someone but I haven't found that right person yet, and I'm not sure if I ever will....

Randomness & Poems

2008-04-01T18:46:00.000-07:00

I'm really kind of bored.... I don't wanna do my homework right now... So I'm gonna write random things here and see if the more I post the more people will notice this sad little blog of mine. I swear that I'm an interesting person!! I'm not all that boring but I just cant write about myself with out a kind of prompt... And then I don't really know if any one is even really gonna read this to begin with so I guess I can put a random poem that I wrote here and see if that draws attention.

My Hollow yet, Full Heart My heart is hollow Yet it is filled with grief It’s getting hard to swallow Please give me relief I cannot understand these feelings Humans are such strange beings My head is spinning I think those empty words are winning My heart is full It’s about to break as though it were made of glass Why am I listening to all this bull? If you don’t stop with all these lies, I’m going to kick your ass I empty my heart Fill it full of nothing This will be the part Of my becoming My heart will be filled But not by you My sorrow shall be quelled Only by beginning anew I detach my soul Only to surrender My heart feels like a big black hole Like a glowing ember Why do I feel dual emotions? Light and dark What is it that makes my soul like the oceans? Where both demons and angels have left their mark? How is it that I’m so different? From what I was intended to be

*This Poem was written by me and me only so no stealing!!!*

And yes I know that this is Emo but I can only write really good about depressing stuff...

Thank You! You made me happy!

2008-04-01T18:30:00.000-07:00

Yay someone actually noticed little old me. ^^ I'm so happy I could cry tears of happiness! Not really but you know! Thank you SOOO much for commenting! You have no idea what it means to me for someone to take the time out of thier day to write a comment on my sad and pathetic little blog. Arigato! You know who you are!

Hello!! I exist! READ ME!!

2008-03-31T17:16:00.000-07:00

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The Beginning

2008-03-21T12:01:00.000-07:00

Looks Like this is my first post. Yay! I finally have my own Blog.

This whole blogging thing looked boring at first but I see that it can be fun for those of us that like to write and just blab about random stuff that really means nothing. I like that. Though it would be funner if I knew some one would read this... I know that it takes time to get noticed but, it's almost cruel... Although I think I will have more fun with this after a while. Okay Thanks! Ja Ne!